Depression

As a note: I've been diagnosed with what, at the time, was called dysthymia. It is now called persistent depressive disorder. I do not claim to speak for all people with depression.

A psychiatrist once told me that when depressed, a person's brain is stuck on one channel: The Depression. With respect to her, I disagree. In my experience, Depression is a cable TV subscription with only certain channels available. Here's a description of the channels available to me when I'm depressed along with their hit shows. 

• Loneliness: No One I Know Understands This
• Futility: There's No Light At the End of This Tunnel
• Wrongness: Everyone Else Has It Together; I'm So Broken
• White Noise: (it's just static and white noise. No programming)
• Guilt: People Have It Worse Elsewhere So Why Are You So Sad
• Anxiety: Oh God, What If
• Temporary Respite: programming varies, but it's only available at limited, unscheduled times

...and the program that plays on every channel: Negative Self Talk.

So...that's what's going on in my brain when I'm depressed.

Now, lots of us can put on a happy, upbeat exterior as a survival mechanism. This could be for career reasons, social reasons, any number of things. But many of us can do it.

It. Is. Exhausting. 

It's play-acting every interaction of the day to try to ensure I don't make anything worse. And it makes it hard to do anything other than go home and rest at the end of the day. And when I get home? The only channels to choose from are those listed above.

Now...I'm a teacher, and I'm connected...

...side note. You know that part of the The Avengers when Cap tells Bruce Banner to get angry?  Banner says, "That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry." That's like me. But with depression. Just sometimes it's...more intense.

Anyway, I'm a connected educator and I see well-meaning, well-intentioned things that other educators put out online as a way to help students, or for admin to help teachers. Some of it may not come across as intended. Again, this is a very personal blog post, so this is in no way intended to be universal. But I can't be alone in this. Good gracious I hope I'm not alone in this. Anyway, here goes:

1) "Choose happiness," Or "Happiness is a conscious choice." Um. How do I react to this? "No thanks! I'd rather feel utterly worthless!" If it were as simple as deciding to do things that made me happy? DONE. Whee! Unfortunately, one symptom of depression is losing interest in things that used to make you happy. The Enjoyment of Things Channel got bumped to premium and I don't have that subscription. Better reaction? Just acknowledging that feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, etc. are universal and it's okay to feel them. And affirm that all people feel them sometimes.

2) Generalized statements like murals or tweets that say "You are loved," or "You belong." When a person is depressed, the brain lies to that person. It will tell us, "They are loved. But not you." Or "They belong. But you're bad and wrong and weird. They don't want you." Some might be able to connect with a generic positive statement, but many of us feel left out of them. You need to be specific. You need to see a person - a kid, a teacher, a community member - and see they're struggling, and be intentional and specific. "I love you." Or "I'm glad you are my friend/colleague/student/whoever."

3) This is my least favorite. "There's no shame in seeking help." Or "Please reach out for help." First, our healthcare system in the U.S., well, there's no polite way for me to say that it sucks. But it does. First, it's expensive. I've had times as a teacher that I couldn't afford therapy even if I knew where to look for it. Also, it's really complicated. Here's a breakdown of some questions that I've had: Who treats depression in my area? Are they any good? Do they take my insurance (if I have any)? What are their rates? How easy is it to get there? Will it be a good fit? What if I have a bad experience? Am I worth it? Are they taking new patients? When can I get in? Can I wait 6 weeks if that's the next opening? What if it doesn't work? All of this leads me to my "Next." Next, when depressed, it's hard to carry out complex tasks, especially when we're working really hard to be great at work and do basic things at home.

Listen, if I'm eating cereal for dinner and have to give myself a pep talk to get in the shower, then making that call is going to feel akin to single-handedly inventing a manned Mars lander. Instead, offer to help someone through the process. Help research, offer a ride, check in with the person during the wait time between call and appointment.

And the bottom line: if I don't see something relatable - if all I see is funshine and joy, my "I'm okay" mask is going to stay up. I won't show you the part of me that's hurting. There's enough out there in education or other professional spheres that indicate we should stay away from "negative people." The moment I open up about how I'm really doing, well, there's a label for depressed people. And even if I don't think it would hurt me? I don't want to feel responsible for dimming that light. That's another program on the Guilt Channel.

A personal note: right now, I feel very lucky to work at a site with a staff that accepts and supports those of us who struggle. We're a tight-knit, honest staff that will be there when we are dealing with hard things, and celebrate when things are going right - personally or professionally. I wish that for everyone.